Picture it: Your Zoom presentation for work is scheduled to start in ten minutes, your eight-year-old exclaims that their online schooling just crashed from your living room, your mom is calling to ask you for a ride to her next doctor’s appointment on the cell phone that your other child is holding hostage and the dog just peed at the door because nobody else is letting him out.

You are being, doing, and embodying a version of yourself that feels humanly impossible to maintain, and yet, the same confirmatory “yes” to all requests emerges from your lips at each passing moment of an increasingly exhausting day.

If this description resonates with you, perhaps you, like many of us, are a people pleaser. You know, the one who attempts to make life a little easier for others, the one who can’t quite say no even when you are feeling completely overwhelmed by life.

We all like to be validated, accepted and needed. Those are facets of most relationships. It feels good to help someone in need. It’s also a great feeling when we find that perfect gift for a child, friend, or family member who will really appreciate it. That act of giving or helping with sincerity because we want to show someone we care for them and that they matter to us is the basis from which healthy relationships develop and are maintained.

This can go off course when we find ourselves doing things for others and accepting more responsibility for other peoples’ lives because we need their approval and we’re worried about the aftermath of saying “no.” We may face criticism, they may not like us as much, we may not get that promotion at work, or we might view ourselves as a “bad” person. These are the narratives we tell ourselves when we engage in people-pleasing and it keeps the fears that fuel our behaviour alive. It erodes our sense of self.