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I took a trip to Montreal and it, like my furniture painting became an exercise in my expression of self and further discovering those parts that had been a bit camouflaged for a long time. I had been feeling boxed in, a little confined with my identity. I’ll be honest, I sometimes wonder if my social media presence looks a bit like Mary Poppins (true story: someone actually called me that once and I cringed from every part of who I am), living a peaceful and perfect life by the lake and that is definitely NOT my reality.
I work at it though with a compassion for myself and a respect for how far I’ve come. It took practice to get to this place and a willingness to be really vulnerable and accepting of ALL aspects of who I am.
So this trip to Montreal ended up being a lot more than just a bit of experimentation with my image and a photo shoot. It became a glimpse into the many aspects of who I am and the permission to express that in order to feel complete as a person. Some might say it was a bit of a “reinvention” of self. I think we all go through a reinvention at some point in our lives. Sometimes it’s a critical moment like a divorce or a death of a loved one and other times, it’s the smaller every day, nuanced experiences that help guide us in shaping who we truly are.
Sometimes we do the opposite as well. We make a choice based on what is socially acceptable or what seems to be the more approved way of doing things and living our life. It is inauthentic and it often takes us farther away from the essence of who we really are. It’s those choices that don’t “fit” us that can lead to an unhappy marriage, a profession we never wanted but chose because our parents supported it, a lifestyle that is far from anything we enjoy.
And that’s how we lose the footing, the happiness and the fulfillment in our lives, BUT….we can find it again when we allow our curiosity to guide us and our openness to the unknown to expand the rooms of our self-identity that we inhabit.
You see, we are not fixed in any of this. That’s a construct many of us exist within because it is the safer way to be. We are actually meant to grow and expand and evolve every day from little experiences to the more soul defining ones.
I had to really put myself out there for this experience in Montreal. It required me to dig deep within the recesses of my sunny personality and let the other “colours” cascade through. You’ll see it in the photos. I can see it. I see a woman who had to rebuild her life, her business, her M.O. from the ground up. I see a woman that was heartbroken at times, really challenged by some difficult situations and for that, I am grateful because it’s in knowing that depth of emotion that I became a better therapist, a more compassionate person and a better version of myself.
I learned to appreciate the dark with the light.
In those moments where we feel conflicted with who we TRULY are and those desires to express ourselves versus who we feel obligated to be and how we should portray ourselves to the outside world, we need to:
So where do you start, you might ask?
How many times do we stay on the sidelines of our life wishing we could make a change or go do something, but with hesitation and fears of something not working out, we simply keep everything as it’s always been.
Status quo. No drama, no upset.
When we step outside of what we know, when we take a chance, we grow!
It doesn’t always work out the way we had intended. Sometimes it’s better and sometimes it’s an experience. It’s all in the way that we look at a situation.
I took some time and painted the buffet that has been calling me back to it, asking for my creative insight and beckoning my expression of self in the process. I’ll admit, I deferred, I declined, I made excuses for why I couldn’t find the time to do this piece. In the end, it boiled down to me being really unsure about what colour to pick for it.
What if it didn’t look good? What if I spent all that time that I really don’t have on it and in the end, it just didn’t reflect its true personality (yes, antiques have character and a personality!).
So it sat there for weeks and weeks as I looked at it and myself and wondered if I would ever make the “right” choice of colour for it and me. I felt disappointed in myself for not trying, for being stuck in non-action (it happens to all of us by the way). I actually made up reasons why it was o.k. for me not to make an attempt at painting this. I was too busy, I had more pressing priorities, etc, etc.
I finally decided that I needed to attempt completion of this and bring my beautiful buffet back to life with colourful expression. I mean that was my intention and I chose a deep charcoal for it, thinking that it would offer distinction and presence. I painted the whole thing. I spent an entire morning on it. I really enjoyed the peace it brought me with every stroke and the creativity that was elicited in my own mind and being.
BUT….after I finished it??
The colour just didn’t suit this grand buffet. Was it the wrong choice? Not really. The process had gifted me with so much more than simply a trial and error attempt at painting this piece. It gave me time, space and grace to express myself, to imagine, to better connect with a creative process.
Every experience, every choice, leads us down a path of some sort of self-discovery. It’s up to us to decide if it’s the right fit (and sometimes it is for a time) or if we need to make some changes.
I repainted that buffet in a colour that speaks to me. A deep, yet vibrant representation of depth and character. If a colour could speak, this one would say, “I have wisdom and presence, yet I am elegant and peaceful.” I also added a touch of uniqueness and “pzaz” that better reflects myself in this piece.
I didn’t make the “wrong choice.” I had an experience.
Remember that the next time you want to make a choice or a change. It all leads you to just where you were meant to be in the end!
Stay tuned for my grand reveal of this beautiful piece (curious about the paints I use? Check them out HERE!)